These past few weeks have been really rough on me. I've had struggles in just about all aspects of my life.
I feel like since the twins were born I have become a whole different person. And not necessarily a good one. I'm stressed now. I'm frustrated now (things aren't done the way the way I was used to). I'm angry. My babies are growing up so fast and I feel like I'm missing it. Alex will be starting kindergarden in just a couple of weeks and the twins just turned 1!
Some of you know (because I love you and depend on your support) that I've been having trouble at work. I've narrowed the "issues" I've been having down to April. My first slip up came March 30th then the rest of them all occurred after April 8th. The day my Dad died. I feel a little better every day (it seems) about Dad's death but I truly believe that down deep I'm not anywhere near where I need to be.
Well, that's all for now...
Love,
E
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
July 2011
July was a BUSY month for us! We had SO much going on! Here are just a few snapshots from our adventures!
June 2011
June was actually alot more calm...
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| Our little graduate and Daddy! |
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| Alex and his best friend Nate! |
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| His party pool Nana gave him for graduation! |
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| Just some twinky time : ) |
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| Doesn't he look innocent? |
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| Nana's new playset for her backyard! |
May 2011
For some reason all of my blogs seem to start with the same sentence. It's been a while :)
Let's see what's happened since our last posts...
May was a busy month of fun!
Let's see what's happened since our last posts...
May was a busy month of fun!
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| Yummo blueberry pancakes at The Readyville Mill! |
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| Flirting her way to someone else's food! |
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| Alex's waterslide at his 5th birthday! |
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| The "Mommy Zone" |
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| Uncle J.J. has the special touch :) |
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| I see teeth! |
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| I finally did it :) |
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| 1 tooth down! |
A new day...
***(This blog was written on 7/12 but never got posted...so here it is!)***
Wow. It's been a while. I had no idea it had been so long since I've blogged.
Alot has been going on! I'm dealing alot better with the loss of Dad. I still have many moments when I just lose it but overall it's gotten MUCH better. We've had several events lately (Mom and Dad's 47 wedding anniversary, Father's Day then what would've been Dad's 70th birthday) and those have been hard. I came across some pictures of Dad's grave as it looks now. It was so hard to look at. Just red clay with some grass growing in. It's so hard (SO HARD) for me to think about it. I'd rather just push it to the back of my head and envelope myself in the daily grind that is our life. But I know that's not what I should be doing but it's so much easier. Mom and I ordered Dad's headstone the other day and that was incredibly sobering. I had to give the company Dad's date of birth and date of death. It literally took me a minute to process that. It's still hard to believe he's gone. I am blessed with great friends yet most of the time I feel totally alone in this. I have a good friend that lost her mother a year and a half ago and we got together a couple weeks ago and unintentionally ended up having a mini grief session. It was so nice. That's what I need. I need people that know what I'm going through to understand and know what to say. It's not that I don't need others as well but it's so nice when someone knows exactly what I'm going through. We might have to schedule more of those :)
On a more positive note, the twins will be one in just 1 week! Can you believe it? We SURVIVED the first year! YEAH! We will be celebrating with a grill out at our place on the 23rd! We're having a bounce house and all! Our theme is "2 peas in a pod" so everything will be based around that :)
Love,
E
Wow. It's been a while. I had no idea it had been so long since I've blogged.
Alot has been going on! I'm dealing alot better with the loss of Dad. I still have many moments when I just lose it but overall it's gotten MUCH better. We've had several events lately (Mom and Dad's 47 wedding anniversary, Father's Day then what would've been Dad's 70th birthday) and those have been hard. I came across some pictures of Dad's grave as it looks now. It was so hard to look at. Just red clay with some grass growing in. It's so hard (SO HARD) for me to think about it. I'd rather just push it to the back of my head and envelope myself in the daily grind that is our life. But I know that's not what I should be doing but it's so much easier. Mom and I ordered Dad's headstone the other day and that was incredibly sobering. I had to give the company Dad's date of birth and date of death. It literally took me a minute to process that. It's still hard to believe he's gone. I am blessed with great friends yet most of the time I feel totally alone in this. I have a good friend that lost her mother a year and a half ago and we got together a couple weeks ago and unintentionally ended up having a mini grief session. It was so nice. That's what I need. I need people that know what I'm going through to understand and know what to say. It's not that I don't need others as well but it's so nice when someone knows exactly what I'm going through. We might have to schedule more of those :)
On a more positive note, the twins will be one in just 1 week! Can you believe it? We SURVIVED the first year! YEAH! We will be celebrating with a grill out at our place on the 23rd! We're having a bounce house and all! Our theme is "2 peas in a pod" so everything will be based around that :)
Love,
E
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Homework
Today was a good day. Actually, it was a great day. God answered a prayer for me today. I put my problems in His hands and He made the decision how to handle them. Well, He always makes the decisions but this time I actually let go and waited (albeit not patiently!). It's probably the hardest thing I've done in a while. If you read my last post or know me at all you've caught on that I'm a little bit of a control freak :)
I was thinking tonite about my sister in law and smiling :) It's so nice to see the ones you love truly happy. I wasn't planning on blogging tonite but instead was going to catch up on her blogs and do some "homework". I have a link to her blog on my browser and when I clicked on it tonite I never could have imagined what I would read...
Some things never change
SO I come to my keyboard tonight drained and a little blank. Today my Father in Law had a stroke and the resulting damage could hamper his quality of life. I don't know the extent to which his body is damaged but his spirit is inspiring. Whatever its borne of, he has a grin plastered on his face and is chuckling and cutting up with loved ones through his tense desire to get home. His spirit is undaunted by his health, he is wanting to get up and run down the halls. As fustrating as that is, it is also reassuring. His core is still with us and intact, and as unforgettable and as strong of a character as he is, it seems as if his strength transcends and will always be with us thankfully. Its just the way he is. Some things will never change. He must have done a few things really right in his life to produce the two grown adults that I call my husband and sister in law. I'm glad beyond belief that his light gets to shine in our lives for a while longer.
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| I love taking pictures of the clouds. They remind me that there is always a rainbow after the rain... |
Some things never change
SO I come to my keyboard tonight drained and a little blank. Today my Father in Law had a stroke and the resulting damage could hamper his quality of life. I don't know the extent to which his body is damaged but his spirit is inspiring. Whatever its borne of, he has a grin plastered on his face and is chuckling and cutting up with loved ones through his tense desire to get home. His spirit is undaunted by his health, he is wanting to get up and run down the halls. As fustrating as that is, it is also reassuring. His core is still with us and intact, and as unforgettable and as strong of a character as he is, it seems as if his strength transcends and will always be with us thankfully. Its just the way he is. Some things will never change. He must have done a few things really right in his life to produce the two grown adults that I call my husband and sister in law. I'm glad beyond belief that his light gets to shine in our lives for a while longer.
Wow. Wasn't expecting that. As it turns out apparently it took me to a blog post in March. I fully anticipated reading uplifting, happy thoughts and rambles from her :) She's a beautifully talented artist. In many ways. She's one of those people that can just sit down and write and it comes out flawlessly. At least that's the way I picture it. It definitely brought me back to the present.
Yet again, tonite I'm avoiding what I should be doing. This is not what I intended on doing tonite but I just had to talk this through after reading Jen's post from March, so thanks for being my sounding board. I pray that this will get easier on me. Everyone says it will. And I want to believe them but I can't imagine ever "getting over" these emotions. Right now I'm trusting in my doctors that they know how to guide me through this and doing my "homework" from them by journaling (believe it or not, this is not my actual journal...that's private!) nightly. It's incredibly hard to face these feelings head on but I'm forcing myself to do it. I will always love and miss Dad but hopefully I won't have these daily crying sessions...
I have laundry in the washer and dryer, bottles to wash and fill, vacuuming to do, and a host of other things I'm sure I could come up with in no time. I'm good at that. Why is it that I always tend to wait until the last possible minute to get something done? It's almost like a rush of adrenaline. Anyways, I'm rambling. I've got some "homework" to do...
Love,
E
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Memories...
My heart has been heavy today with thoughts of my Dad.
Everyone has their own way of coping with things. I like to be in control of everything. I like lists. I like organized things. I like order. I don't like feeling out of control. However this is exactly how I feel about Dad's death. It's like a bad dream. I keep catching myself pushing the reality of him being gone back down under everything else in my head so I don't have to deal with it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to accept it. I know that when I start dealing with these feelings and "grieving" I'll be able to move past this and move on. Part of me doesn't want to move on. I want to live in my little bubble where everything is organized and clean and perfect. And Dad is his fussy old self. He's mowing the lawn or reloading shotgun shells or painting something. He's busy. He's always busy. He's always moving. I think that must be where I get that from. He has a huge heart underneath a shy shell.
Starting tonite I'm forcing myself to confront this. Head on. I can only avoid this for so long. It's time to start the healing process. It will be a long process. I have so many memories and thoughts to sort through. He was a wonderful Dad and loved me and Bobby with his whole heart. He was incredibly proud of us.
Tonite I take my strength from Alex who, at only 5 years old, knows where "Papa" is. The other night, in the middle of dinner, Alex looked up at me and (out of nowhere) said, "Mom, Papa's in my heart". It took everything in me to keep it together but it's true. He's in all of our hearts. I'm blessed to have had 32 years with my Dad. I love him with my whole heart and he knows it. And every time I hear the thunder I'll think of Papa shooting skeet :)
Love,
E
Starting tonite I'm forcing myself to confront this. Head on. I can only avoid this for so long. It's time to start the healing process. It will be a long process. I have so many memories and thoughts to sort through. He was a wonderful Dad and loved me and Bobby with his whole heart. He was incredibly proud of us.
Tonite I take my strength from Alex who, at only 5 years old, knows where "Papa" is. The other night, in the middle of dinner, Alex looked up at me and (out of nowhere) said, "Mom, Papa's in my heart". It took everything in me to keep it together but it's true. He's in all of our hearts. I'm blessed to have had 32 years with my Dad. I love him with my whole heart and he knows it. And every time I hear the thunder I'll think of Papa shooting skeet :)
Love,
E
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