Memories...

My heart has been heavy today with thoughts of my Dad.

Everyone has their own way of coping with things.  I like to be in control of everything.  I like lists.  I like organized things.  I like order.  I don't like feeling out of control.  However this is exactly how I feel about Dad's death.  It's like a bad dream.  I keep catching myself pushing the reality of him being gone back down under everything else in my head so I don't have to deal with it.  I don't want to think about it.  I don't want to accept it.  I know that when I start dealing with these feelings and "grieving" I'll be able to move past this and move on.  Part of me doesn't want to move on.  I want to live in my little bubble where everything is organized and clean and perfect.  And Dad is his fussy old self.  He's mowing the lawn or reloading shotgun shells or painting something.  He's busy.  He's always busy.  He's always moving.  I think that must be where I get that from.  He has a huge heart underneath a shy shell.

Starting tonite I'm forcing myself to confront this.  Head on.  I can only avoid this for so long.  It's time to start the healing process.  It will be a long process.  I have so many memories and thoughts to sort through.  He was a wonderful Dad and loved me and Bobby with his whole heart.  He was incredibly proud of us.

Tonite I take my strength from Alex who, at only 5 years old, knows where "Papa" is.  The other night, in the middle of dinner, Alex looked up at me and (out of nowhere) said, "Mom, Papa's in my heart".  It took everything in me to keep it together but it's true.  He's in all of our hearts.  I'm blessed to have had 32 years with my Dad.  I love him with my whole heart and he knows it.  And every time I hear the thunder I'll think of Papa shooting skeet :)

Love,
E