The House of Chaos!: Moments 2...

I've been chastised for not blogging yesterday so here I am. It's about 4pm Thursday afternoon and I'm sitting on my parent's couch watching Oprah, listening to Mom talk to Aunt Margie on the phone, listening to Dad snore, watching Jen, out of the corner of my eye, goofing on her computer and blogging to you.

I find myself trying to keep busy doing things, cleaning, grocery shopping, running errands for Mom, etc so that I don't have to see and accept the inevitable.

I remember when my Grandpa Langham (my Mom's Dad) passed, it took Mom A WHILE to adjust. I remember clearly living on Hilton drive and Mom locking herself in her bedroom and just crying. It seemed like days. I was very young. That's pretty much all I remember but I remember feeling her pain and wishing there was something I could do. Even at the young age I was (under 5 I believe). It's amazing how children pick up on things like that.

On Tuesday, Dad's hospice nurse, Leah said we had about 24-48 hours with him. I spoke with her this morning and she still thinks that death is imminent. Dad has periods of sleep apnea every now and then that she said would continue to get longer and longer and he would eventually drift off to sleep. What a wonderful way to go. His kidneys have shut down and he lost the ability swallow a week ago so he's been unable to eat or drink. While he was still lucid we talked to him about his wishes and he was very adamant that he DID NOT want a breathing tube, a feeding tube or to be resuscitated. We honored his wishes. He's not in any pain. He's totally relaxed and calm. We open the window by the bed during the day when it's warm so that he can feel the warm breezes. We've all talked to him and made our peace with him. To quote Mom, he's just so darn "stubborn"!

I have questioned every person I know including God why Dad has to go this way. This is not right. This is not fair to anyone. This is pure torture. You can put on a smiley face and pretend to keep busy and think everything is fine when it's not but eventually you break down.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. Mom and I have been reading for several days now about the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's hard for me to say if I've even started this process. I can tell you that Mom has. She is (I think) in the depression stage. She's heartbroken. She's being forced to watch her love, her other half, her husband of 47 years, pass away in front of her. It's just so damn unfair.

You didn't realize it but I just took a quick snack break. This afternoon's snack consists of Pillsbury creme cheese icing. That's right. Straight out of the container. This is one of those times when I really don't give a damn what I eat. Speaking of, I'm craving cookie dough. Specifically peanut butter or sugar. Anybody want to bring me some?? :)

Ok. Back to being unfair. I know life's not fair and there are so many unanswered questions when it comes to death and losing someone but for the life of me I can't see what God could possibly be trying to show/teach me by watching my father slowly pass. He had his stroke on 3/25. One day after my 10th wedding anniversary. They had watched Carter on Thursday for me b/c he wasn't feeling well. They went to bed and he woke up with the stroke symptoms. So we're really not clear when exactly the stroke happened. Wow, I have a way of getting off track. Anyways. If anyone has any clue what lesson (or whatever) I'm supposed to be getting out of this please let me know because as of this moment all I've learned is:
1. You can never say "I love you" too much.
2. Always forgive. Be the bigger person. Life's too short to live with regrets.
3. Surround yourself with your family and friends. They can bring you through (just about) anything. Trust me, I know.
and finally,
4. Be prepared. As morbid as it seems, the last thing your family should be worrying about after you pass is planning your funeral. Let your wishes be known. Have a will. I've learned over the past week just how expensive funerals are. And insurance DOES NOT pay out until they receive a death certificate which can take weeks to get and even then the turn around for the insurance is usually 4-8 weeks. Be prepared to pay $10,000 - $20,000 for a funeral. And that's a basic one.

Well, I'm going to go outside and swing in my Dad's favorite swing and close my eyes and listen to the calm...if even just for a moment... I'll leave you with some of my favorite pictures of Dad :)